My new mantra is cradled in the arms of mother earth, while God walks beside me. This is a far different paradigm than the way I played life in the past. For most of my life I flew around the ethers un-tethered and off center. Years of painful childhood experiences taught me to leave my body as a way of self protection. I could experience altered states of reality, connect with guides, dance with angels and see visions beyond the extraordinary. Although these intense spiritual experiences were amazing, the crash afterwards was always a painful reminder that I choose to be in human form.
Like a drug these out of body experiences overtook my life as an adult. All of a sudden they weren't fun anymore. There were times I felt I could not get back into my body and the emotions I was trying to
escape became more intense as I denied them. Although the divine had whispered for years that I needed to ground myself, I ignored the calling.
Instead the whispers became a shout, the shouts became screams and life became relentless at showing me what I needed to face. For three years our family experienced unrelentless challenges. Although these experiences were overwhelming, my invitation to wholeness arrived in the most life changing encounter, a near death experience after a severe car accident
As I dropped into an abyss of light, I knew this was far different than my prior out of body experiences. The light became brighter and brighter as I was completely engulfed by love. At that moment the creator gave me a choice, I could stay with him or I could return to being embodied and alive. When given this choice the first thing I saw were my magnificent children and there was no choice at all. My desire to be alive and share this lifetime with my family overrode any pain I would experience. As I reemerged back into my body, back into consciousness, the pain indeed was excruciating.
In making that choice I would have to learn how to stay present, I would have to learn to be in my body, and I would have to feel my emotions, AAAHHH a very scary proposition. Most importantly I would have to face the painful feelings that I had bypassed spiritually for so many years.
Although I had no idea what was in store for me, I prayed for God to show me how to heal fully and began the journey to reclaim my wholeness. This journey that took me from the depth of despair to a fully present joy. Magnificent teachers, therapists, friends and wisdom appeared in my life, all there to support my growth, maturation, and healing. As I faced the darkest, scariest memories of my childhood and recent past I began to reclaim the parts of my soul that had fragmented off.
As I released decades of pent up emotions I found my strength. As I connected with my inner child, truly loved and listened to her, I learned to trust. As, I learned to trust I realized there was nothing to fix, only opportunities to love. And as I forgave myself, God and those who had hurt me I became whole. The journey to reclaiming myself has not been linear, but rather a trail of learning, growing and then having opportunities to practice what I have learned. So, at times it feels like two steps forward and one step back. The steps back become easier as new skills and resources arise.
I have learned how to still my nervous system, quiet my mind and love my body. I found ways to be gentler and easier on myself and others. I have grown in compassion, love and the desire to melt into the sweetness of life. I no longer needed to ground myself for as I have learned to trust my body, life, and God I could allow myself to be held by mother earth, cradled in her magnificence and the beauty of my physicality. This is when I learned to receive.
Then something wonderful happened, I realized my spiritual connection was even stronger. Now I did not have to fly off to be rescued by God and the angelic realm but they could share this embodied journey with me. Our relationship moved from rescue to friendship. Now while being fully present in my body, God is walking right beside of me. Our relationship has moved from trust to knowing. Knowing that all is well in my world regardless of what is unfolding.. This knowing awakens moment by moment by staying present, spending time in stillness, witnessing the majesty of nature, allowing my emotions to arise, being gentle and easy about life, letting go of my need to control and most importantly accepting, forgiving and embracing life as it is.
Yes, life is easier now. Last week marked the 5 year anniversary of my accident and my choice to be fully present in my life. Today I celebrate life in all that it is. My family and I are strong and appreciate life so deeply. We are still growing and as long as we are alive there will be opportunities to practice this wisdom. What I know now is that my joy is not dependent on external circumstances, but a deeper understanding that the sheer gift of being alive and in my body is what infuses me with delight. May each of you find a way to deeply appreciate your life, discover your own path to wholeness and may it be a gentle one.
Debbie Milam is a wellness consultant and syndicated columnist specializing in relaxation training, emotional well being, human potential and healthy relationships for both adults and children. As an occupational therapist for more than 20 years she combines evidence based interventions with cutting edge practices to help you and your children be the best you can be. For more information visit her online at www.bestyoucanbe.org.
Copyright Debbie Milam 2009
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